William Shakespeare rejection letter

The following is taken from my humourous book entitled The Rhetorical Musketeers and other stories.

Dear Mr Shakespeare:

Thank you so much for letting us see the draft of your play ‘Hamlet’.

Sadly, on this occasion we can’t accept the play. However, we will give you some feedback and wish you well in placing your work with another publisher.

Firstly, we feel that the play is simply too long. We used jungle-destroying amounts of paper when we printed off copies for our assessors. If the play were half the length, not only would it improve the flow of the scenes, it would also be more environmentally friendly. Plays that consume trees for no good reason aren’t doing well at the box office right now.

Secondly, the name of the play, Hamlet, is problematical. People associate the word Hamlet with small cigars, not plays, so perhaps the title should be changed to a more distinctive name such as ‘War at Elsinore’ or something catchy like that. You should also consider moving the action from Denmark to another setting, such as Chicago in the 1920s or Berlin in the 1930s. Denmark isn’t an ‘in’ place right now, especially amongst theatre goers.

Thirdly, we feel the names of the characters would be associated by the audience with olden times. We believe that some of the names should be modernized – for example Gertrude could be changed to ‘Trude and Laertes could become Laser T.

Fourthly, some of the imagery is rather dated and should be changed for a new, hip clientele. For example, consider changing ‘slings and arrows of outrageous fortune’ to ‘Kalashnikovs and nuclear missiles of good luck’, which would appeal to a modern audience.

Fifthly, using Agatha Christie’s “The Mousetrap” as part of your play, without acknowledgement, breaches copyright and is illegal. If there has to be another play within your play, which seems like showing off to us, it would be best to use another name.

Finally, inject some humour into the play. The speech ‘To be or not to be’ could be set in a stationery shop and you might have the actor search for pencils whilst speaking his lines. This would raise a few laughs we feel sure.

Thank you once again for letting us see your play.

The following is taken from my humourous book entitled The Rhetorical Musketeers and other stories.